No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
