I am puke
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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