i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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