Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
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She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
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Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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