Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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