mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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