So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
