Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
