dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
