I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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