matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Sorry my hands just texted you
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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