I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
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would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
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I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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