So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
