I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
