She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
