My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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