brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I checked into jail on foursquare
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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