explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
