The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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