Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
