you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
