Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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