I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
