Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
23 Absolutely Despicable Things That People Have Actually Done
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
25 Disturbing Facts That Will Make You Question Everything
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"