That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
hahahahaha turkey breast
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month