You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
