Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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