How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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