My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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