My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize