I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
