first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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