No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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