note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Randomize
