My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
A+ Viking dick
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