Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
