..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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