ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
