Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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