My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
