Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
