shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
