everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
