You really coming over, don't trick.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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