I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
