I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
