Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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