if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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