I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
