I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
