Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
