apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
