you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
