I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
We're too hungover to prance.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
