apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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