my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
