Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
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I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
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Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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