Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
