if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
you didnt know i had herpes?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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