i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
