Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
